Do you ever look at your toaster? It is an unassuming small home appliance. Ours is white with silver buttons and a silver base. It is made by Black and Decker and retails for approximately $25.99. They call it the Toast-It-All Plus® Electronic 2-Slice Toaster. It’s nice. We like it. In fact, I would have to sentimentally say, that toaster has been just like a toaster to me. But something is not right …
When I make toast, I must adjust the “Toast Shade Selector” or “TSS” (which is the technical term found in the manual) to a setting between the numbers 1 and 2. This produces a pleasing, evenly toasted piece of bread. Not too dark, not too light. However, recently I made the mistake of nudging the “TSS” to the 2 position. What popped up from the “Extra Wide Slots” (again, technical jargon) was neither pleasing nor edible. These two smoldering, sinister slabs caused me to ponder unfathomable questions. What is 3 for? What happens when you move the “TSS” to 4? Why is there a 5 position? Is it legal to set the dial to 6? Why would God allow there to be a 7 on this hazardous machine?
Here is what I came up with;
Setting 2 – For the simple mutation of whole wheat bread into charcoal and for it’s widespread distribution.
Setting 3 – In the event that you would ever need to burn down your house, the Black & Decker Toast-It-All® Electronic 2-Slice Toaster is both inconspicuous and efficient.
Setting 4 – If you are ever in the predicament of needing to heat S’mores for a city the size of Dallas, Texas (haven’t we all been there a time or two?), place the Black & Decker Toast-It-All® Electronic 2-Slice Toaster in the middle of town, assemble the 1.2 million folks who live there, have them step back a thousand paces, avert their eyes and put on their flame retardant clothing, and then; let the fun begin!
Setting 5 – In case temperatures fall worldwide and large areas of the Earth’s surface are covered with glaciers, the Black & Decker Toast-It-All® Electronic 2-Slice Toaster, when set on 5, will serve as both the ultimate survival tool and a means by which to warm the earth again (my guess is that the government commissioned Black & Decker to create a heating device capable of providing enough heat for mankind to continue on via this setting).
Setting 6 – If you ever want to recreate the “Big Bang” as Swiss scientists are currently attempting, you will find the Black & Decker Toast-It-All® Electronic 2-Slice Toaster handy and necessary when set on 6.
Setting 7 – On page 29, paragraph three of the Black & Decker Toast-It-All® Electronic 2-Slice Toaster manual, it simply says, and I quote, “First rule of ‘Setting 7′ is you do not talk about ‘Setting 7′.”
In case you’re wondering, the Black & Decker Toast-It-All® Electronic 2-Slice Toaster is available at www.bdappliancestore.com and at most Target stores.
This weekend I was in St. Albans, West Virginia just west of Charleston. Saturday night I spoke to a group of about a hundred people following their Upward football season. Afterwards the staff treated me to some excellent Mexican eats. We sat right in the middle of a wild Bachelorette’s party. The highlight of the evening was when the staff musician, Pedro, came out and sang a few country love songs.
