I like people. I really enjoy talking to friends, meeting new people and being around other humans. Rarely do I avoid spending time with others. I really like people in general. However, there are times when I don’t want to talk, I don’t want a new friend and I simply want to be left alone. Sounds harsh, huh? If so, maybe you should consider the many strangers who daily endeavor to be part of my world (and yours too I’ll bet). Here’s the lineup;
Direct TV guy or gal – This person calls me three times a week always either after 9 PM or when I really need to be in the bathroom. They always pause, waiting for me to say “Hello?” at least three times before they start their plea for me to add 900 more stations for an extra $4.95 a month if I am willing to sign a 67 year agreement. Jesus would get sick and tired of these guys.
Encyclopedia/Vacuum Cleaner Man – Some guy once opened our living room door and dumped an 80 lb. bag of potting soil on our floor and quickly spat “Wanna see how fast the Ultra Suck 9000 can clean up this mess?” I kid you not. Ask Laura. Why do some people think they can show up at my house and pawn off a stack of Encyclopedia’s, Vacuum’s or Tupperware on me? I say “No” every time and they just keep coming.
Dynamic Church Duo – “Hi! We’re with the Religious Zealots of Pantheistic Kung Fu Soldiers of the Five Square Gospel Cult on Bikes. Would you like to join us?” I’m like “Fellas, if the guy with the dirt couldn’t sell me a vacuum, how do you two plan to sell me a new set of religious beliefs?” Seriously, when the JW’s show up, I always greet them with John 1:1 “In the beginning was the Word. And the Word was with God, and the Word WAS God.” By the time I’m done, these guys are on their Schwinn’s pedaling for the next subdivision. My neighbor’s love me.
Mall Hand Creme Man – Yes, you read it correctly. Hand creme MAN. I’m at the mall today with my wife (who I already know doesn’t want hand creme) and girls when we came upon one of those mall carts. You know the ones; they sell everything from illuminating college team hats to aromatherapy neck wraps to butter & oregano leaf Siberian hand cremes and oils. Out of the corner of my eye comes a tall, dark and feminine man with a plastic bottle in his hand and a twinkle in his eye. Dude has a bucket of product in his glistening hair. My first thought was to shield my wife and kids from this Creme-selling Fabio. Then I realized that the twinkle had been aimed at me, not my wife. After I performed an unbelieving double-take and nearly hurled in my mouth, I gave him my best Mike Tyson impression. I snarled, became visibly agitated and walked aggressively past him while shielding my family. My physical demeanor told him, “Say ‘excuse me sir’ and I will bite your ear off pal!” The twinkle turned quickly to rejection as he did a “180″ pretending to go answer the cart phone.
There is only one stranger who I love to be approached by. One and one only. This is him. Food Court Chinese Toothpick Guy. I can’t tell you his name, but every time I see him, he says hello, flashes a smile and hands me his product. And every time, I really like what he offers me. He gives me just enough. Just enough to make me stop. And I say “Yes” every time! Thank you Food Court Chinese Toothpick Guy. I like you.
