Ahhhhh, Thanksgiving. A truly underrated holiday. For forty years I have enjoyed this festive annual celebration. I love Thanksgiving! And with many a good reason. Think about the many wonderful things that are possible on this day; Cranberry Sauce. Snow. Charlie Brown television special. Special visits from strange distant relatives. Turkey. Playing football. Parades. Mashed potatoes. Warm blankets. Nap. Bowling. Friends. Watching football. More nap. Publicly and legally unbuttoning your pants. Leftovers. Leon Lett. And on and on and on.
I’m not as much of a historian as I’d like to be so I don’t know a lot about Thanksgiving. I know the basics; Spaniards, settlers, Indians, Plymouth and George Washington. But that’s it really. Here is what I DO know and what I can count on nearly every Thanksgiving;
1. I will watch a parade. I’m not sure why I will watch a parade, I just know that I will. If it’s the huge Bart Simpson balloon, seeing Macy’s or the musical appearances (from the likes of Men without Hats to Donny Osmond to Miley Cirus), but something draws me in every year.
2. I will witness about 5 minutes of a meaningless College Football game. College football is and will always be ridiculous until there is a playoff system. However, never is the folly of College football more evident than around Thanksgiving. These games will help a handful of senior citizens somewhere determine who plays in the even more ridiculous bowl games. You know, the all important Canada Dry Ginger Ale Bowl. “The winner of today’s contest will get a bid to the Peanut Butter Captain Crunch Bowl.” The Metamucil Fiber Bowl, the Cheesecake Factory Bowl, the Preparation H Bowl and etc. Nice.
3. I will gain at least 13 pounds. Seriously, I will gain 13 pounds. Thanksgiving is the one day each year that you have to eat a little bit of everything. Pumpkin pie, sauerkraut, dump cake, marble bread, white meat, dark meat, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes … One thing is for sure; I am going straight Viking on that Thanksgiving table. I will eat like I have a hole in my neck. I will have no respect for the table. Straight Viking.
4. I will realize there is something I need from the grocery store that I don’t have. It is unavoidable. Every year. Something. One Thanksgiving during my bachelor years, I actually said, “Turkey? We need a turkey? Uuugghh.”
5. I will watch a Detroit Lions football game. The Lions are 33-33-2 in their 68 Turkey Day games. However, it seems like every year the Lions get manhandled. I remember a year when Barry Sanders ran wild on the Patriots, but every other year the Lions lose. I mean that 33-33 stat can’t be right can it? I’m telling you the Lions always lose by like 45 points on Thanksgiving. Tomorrow’s prediction; Titans 121, Lions 3.
6. I will be involved in making and serving the meal. I’ve always helped out on Thanksgiving. Last year stunned me though. Here’s my little Thanksgiving time capsule for you;
1976 – My Mom says, “Help me set the table son.”
1987 – My friend Jay says, “Can you stir the potatoes?”
1998 – Another friend Greg says, “Does the turkey look done?”
2007 – My wife says, “Ever stuffed a turkey?” This was followed by a half an hour of me getting elbow deep in the birds’ backside. Good times.
7. I will hear someone say, “That bird is moist.” I’ve eaten some dry turkeys in my day. I remember about ten years ago eating a turkey that was dryer than a tube sock. I won’t say where I was but everyone there kept saying, “That bird is moist.” Moist? Moist? Are you serious? Moist? Yeah, moist if you normally eat sand.
8. I will play football. It may not be sandlot tackle football with my high school friends like I played back in the 80’s. But I still play football. Two years ago this forty year-old started a tradition of having a football game in the backyard with the girls. Last year Katie returned a kickoff for a touchdown (while I was holding Brooke down tickling her).
9. I will hear the word “Gobble.” Enough already. Memo to dorks, idiots and older ladies who think saying “Gobble, Gobble” is cute; IT’S NOT CUTE. If you find yourself walking up to someone tomorrow saying “Gobble, gobble” it is time to regroup. My advice to you if you say “Gobble, gobble” at any point tomorrow; feel free to hit yourself square in the face with a hammer.
10. I will begin to fantasize about Christmas … and what I will be receiving.
That’s all I got for tonight … Happy Thanksgiving people and remember the Viking Code – Do not respect the table!
Friday night we took the girls to Thompson Station Church for their Halloween festivities. Every year they do something different. For example, a few years ago they turned the entire church into a “Chocolate Factory” and went with the whole Willy Wonka theme complete with little orange Oompa Loompas. This year’s theme was “Candy Olympics.” They had inflatables, contests and athletic competitions. Each room had a different sport to play with the ultimate prizes and trophies (everything from Snickers bars to Twizzlers to cupcakes). It was really cool. I had the honor of going with the four prettiest ladies in Tennessee. Brooklyn was dressed as an orange and black butterfly.
